Tonight as I was driving home from work or more appropriately as I was sitting at a stop light in the act of driving home I noticed something that saddened me a little. I happened to stopped in front of the Toys R Us parking lot. The thing that saddened as well as surprised was the fact the parking lot was completely empty. Not the way it should be at five in the afternoon on July first. Obviously they’ve locked the doors, and most like for good.
I couldn’t help but think back to the type of store Toys R Us was in my youth and what it represented. They wouldn’t even let you in the place unless you were accompanied by a parent. Surely not because you’d destroy anything rather because its unlikely you would ever come back out.
If it had anything to do with fun, Toys R Us had it. They had what all the other retailers had in their toy departments, just that Toys R Us had so much more. An entire row of possibly every board game ever created, stocked in alphabetical order. GI Joe for boys and Barbie for girls, chemistry and geology sets, bikes and scooters. My generation was allowed Darwin’s law to take its natural course so they had lawn darts, creepy crawler sets with real hot plates, and the slip and slide with exposed metal anchors along the side to hold it down. It was the true fantasy land with the dreams and the danger.
Even when I got older and had my own kids, Christmas shopping was a one stop event with Toys R Us, by then having added video games into the mix. In fact I bought my first computer as an adult at Toys R Us
It’s probably been four or five years since I have gone into the store. It had already become a shadow of its former self by then. Gone were the long rows stacked to the roof.
Really it doesn’t surprise me at all, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. Not all that sad either, because I still hold onto those fun memories of what it once was. And those memories are awesome.
I am certainly not alone in my concern about the state of the world these days. My biggest problem is that I tend to internalize things, keep them inside. So of been told, I typically do not show it on my face when I am mega stressed out. I guess that means that I am good at keeping things inside.
The past few months have been difficult, again I am not alone. The situations of others, friends, family, and myself have all weighed heavily on me, eating at me from the inside out.
In the process I have kept to myself much more than normal. I haven’t kept up my end of the deal in relationships, with the people who are very dear to me, people that I care very much for. It’s kind of weird because I realize that and it causes me to just internalize things that much more. That makes me feel awful.
I need to break out of this funk. I guess its kind of like worry turns to depression, and eventually to anger. Perhaps not the bad sort of anger, but the anger that but a cause to action.
Very recently things went down and I came away feeling as though I had been sucker punched. That seemed to have hastened my forward motion into the anger phase. I still haven’t quite left all that depression behind though, and I really need to. Because that feeling is paralyzing, it stands in the way.
There are so many cool things in life, but sheesh it can sure suck some times. I have some serious challenges, no question, but I am starting to wrap my brain around getting back to the person I like to be, I think it will be a tough ride but I am going to give it my best shot.
How many lives have I lived? There has been the athletic life where I lived for sports and my spirit consumed by outdoor adventure. Craving competition and the lust for victory, taking risks and challenging life threating danger head on.
There is the technical life, the adventure of logic. Manipulating electronic bits to creat magic from a box. The mad frustration seeking a solution, and then the pure euphoric joy when it all finally works.
The artistic life, arraiging light and shadow, the shades of the prism mixed to creat the right accents. The contour and details of the human form and those forms not so human. Taking smoke and mirrors and making them real.
What will be my next life?